Gimme Leather
by AnitaB
Summary: John, Harvey, a plotless head injury and a Tori Amos song. Insanity (and hilarity hopefully) insue. R&R.


  
Story: Gimme Leather  
Author: AnitaB  
Rating: Gatekeeper voted for pg, I voted for pg-13. I lost, so it's pg, but don't hold that against the story it's not its fault.  
Summary: John Crichton, Harvey, a plotless head injury and Tori Amos music. I don't think it will make any more sense after you read it. But read it anyway, insanity is fun. R&R.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Farscape. Nor do I own the song lyrics: they belong to "leather" by Tori Amos on her album "Little Earthquakes". Author's Notes: When a normally very modest character dances through a fan fic writer's head buck naked and singing, a story is in order. So here it is. I apologize in advance for whatever trauma it may cause you. Gimme Leather  
by AnitaB

"John!"

"Crichton!"

John Crichton barely felt the impact of large and heavy object against the back of his head as the girls--Pip and Sunshine--cried out a warning. Then both sound and light faded as consciousness fled and John fell bonelessly to the floor. 

Amid the darkness in his head, a spotlight danced around the red curtains of a stage. "A stage?....Ok, Harvey, what's the in-coma movie today? Uncharted Territory Vice? Moya 5-0? The Silence of the Scarrans? Or maybe home movies a la MSK3000, graduating from high school or crashing my first test-plane?" 

As frightening as all these possibilities were the reality (or surreality) was worse. Or maybe the best one possible. 

As the spotlight slowed to fix on the center of the stage, the curtains split down the center and swept back to reveal--_Oh my GOD_--a completely naked Aeryn Sun standing, in all her glory, center-stage with a smile and a cane. 

A small, coherent, logical--functioning--part of John's brain was concerned. He wanted to cover her up before she found herself like that. Aeryn would be very uncomfortable and extremely unhappy at being exposed on stage like this, even--or especially--to him. And he should act to spare her feelings. After all, Mama Crichton's baby boy was a gentleman. 

However, as John had said many, many time, he was a guy. And at this specific point in time, action to preserve Aeryn's dignity--and his own hide should she catch him watching--was impossible. The vast majority of John was slack-jawed, drooling, and groaning 'oh, mama' at the sight of so much of Aeryn exposed. 

She was beautiful. Absolutely perfect from long, dark hair--which smelled heavenly--down smooth pale skin and shapely curves to slim, strong legs and feet. Feet that would kick his ass if she woke up to this. 

A few notes of soft music sank through to register in John's mind. It had to work pretty hard to bypass the very active visual centers and activate the auditory nerves. The music sounded familiar. Something from earth like the theater and the seat and---he looked down--yup, his clothes. He was wearing a suit as if he was at the opera. Granted this was better than any opera he'd ever been to. 

John was still trying to recognize the music when Aeryn started singing. His eyes bulged out of his head--both at the lyrics and at the performance. He didn't know Aeryn could sing. For that matter, she might not know if she could sing. Not one of those necessary skills encouraged in PK soldiers. 

Striding across the stage with sensuality dripping from every step, Aeryn sang in a light, pretty, and somehow unconcerned voice. She certainly had John's attention--from every fiber of his body.  


"Look, I'm standing naked before you,  
Don't you want more than my sex?"  


_God, yes, Aeryn. I want more. I want your heart. I want you to love me back. I want it all, baby._  


"I can scream as loud as your last one  
But I can't claim innocence."  


_Last one? What last one, Aeryn? You're the only one, you know that. And who needs innocence when I have my cynical, soft-hearted soldier. Aeryn, you're all I need._  


"oh god could it be the weather  
oh god why am I here  
if love isn't forever and it's not the weather  
hand me my leather"  


_Aeryn, love can be forever for us. I'll never let you go if you let me hold you. Please let me hold you._ Suddenly Aeryn was wearing a tuxedo leotard, fishnet nylons, tapshoes, a leather trench coat, and a top hat. _Oh, not as nice as nothing, but that's an outfit I'd like to see for real._ The low V of the leotard led his eyes to her cleavage before the words hit him. While this set of clothes included leather, he didn't think that's what the song meant. Poor Aeryn, she never understood him and it seemed to carry through to earth music. 

The hopeful look on John's fade disappeared as Harvey tap-danced onto the stage next to Aeryn, dressed in a leather tux. _Damn it, Harvey, what the hell are you doing here?_ The anger in his face got more intense as the two on stage tap-danced through the next verse, Aeryn singing to Harvey.  


"I could just pretend that you love me  
and night would lose all sense of fear."  


John's blood boiled as Aeryn touched one hand to Harvey's chest and smiled up into his face. The smile he'd always wanted from her. "Enjoy it while you can, she always gets bitchy after being emotional." Now his body felt frozen to the seat as Harvey wrapped Aeryn in his arms and sang with his cheek against her hair. John couldn't rip himself out of the chair no matter how hard he tried. _Aeryn, no!_ Gaining back a modicum of sanity, John talked to himself. "It's not real, just Harvey's games." He laughed, just a touch hysterical. "Not believable, Scorpy, go back to the hawaiian shirts and alcohol!"  


"But why do I need you to love me  
when you can't hold what I hold dear"  


The outfits changed again as a piano solo filled the air. Aeryn's vegas floor show clothes shimmered into a slinky, black evening dress. _Nice dress, Sunshine._ Harvey's leathers faded into black wool slack and a red silk business-cut shirt. "Silk and wool, such poor taste in clothes. The leather was a better choice." 

Spinning her out then back into his arms, Harvey led Aeryn into a tango, holding her tight against his body. 

_No, Aeryn, don't dance with him. Dance with me, sunshine._ John cursed his inability to move, to save her from Harvey--to get her out of another man's arms and into his own. She was his, if anyone was going to hold her like that it was John Crichton. Part of John knew this wasn't real--that he was dreaming or maybe suffering brain damage. _Serious brain damage probably, but hey I got to see Aeryn naked. I've got brain cells to spare._ That knowledge couldn't completely override the immediate reaction to seeing anyone touch his Aeryn--that was a job for an insane sense of humor. "Can I cut in? I'm dressed for the occasion!" John yelled from the back row. Apparently the frozen thing didn't include his vocal cords. 

The music stopped sharply and the two on stage turned to him with exasperation tattooed on their foreheads. No, not literally drawn on their skin with permanent ink, but close. 

"You know, John, this isn't as easy as it looks and your juvenile disruptions aren't helping." Aeryn's hands fell to her hips in the classic scolding mother pose. 

"Yeah, man. I been re'earsing all weaken and yo jus' be sitting talkin' tru my 'ole son'. What be yo prob?" Harvey's body language matched the ghetto sound of his speech. 

_Thank you, God, that this isn't real. The whitest creature in existence should _not_ sound and act black._

"Well," she actually tapped her foot impatiently and wagged a finger at him. _How does she do that with a straight face?_ "Are you going to behave like a good young man or am I gonna have to come back there?" At his continued silence--he didn't think they'd appreciate the laughter that could be his only response--Aeryn put on the airs of a satisfied parent, "All right then." 

_Here we go again._

Settling awkwardly into position the pair waited for the music, which began again with the sound of the needle being dragged across a record. Technology for living ships, neural transponders, and ray guns and in John's head the music was still played on a turn table older than crank-start cars. How horribly ironic.  


"I almost ran over an angel  
he had a nice big fat cigar."  


The sexual innuendo in the expression on Aeryn's face would be welcome beyond belief if only it were directed to him. "Aeryn"  


"'In a sense' he said 'you're alone here  
so if you jump you best jump far.'"  


The duet carried on another pass of the chorus as John fought the edges of this reality. _John, wake up. This isn't real. John, wake up._  


"oh god could it be the weather  
oh god it's all very clear  
if love isn't forever and it's not the weather  
gimme my leather"  


As Harvey leaned down to kiss her, John clenched his eyes shut, trying desperately to wake up. He either wanted out of this goddamn dream before the atrocity he saw coming happened or (worst case scenario) he didn't want to watch it. _John Crichton, it isn't real. So get off your sorry ass and WAKE UP!!_

"John Crichton, wake up!"

"John, wake up!"

"Hey, old man, why are you sleeping?" 

Realizing there were voices other than his own making the same suggestion, John tried to take their advice. Slowly opening his eyes, he prayed whole heartedly to not see the theater in front of him. Thankfully, it was gone and John woke up with his head in Aeryn's lap. Who would have thought John would be so unbelievably happy to see Aeryn fully dressed and looking at him like he was crazy. 

Her hand stroked his forehead gently, "John, can you hear me?" 

"Yeah, I can hear you, angel." John sighed, enjoying her touch as her face said clearly that she didn't understand the endearment. 

"Zhaan, are you sure he's alright?" 

Zhaan leaned over to check his eyes. "I can't see anything wrong with him." 

"A least anything that wasn't wrong before, right old man? You were pretty damaged when we got you." 

Despite her words, the little bit of concern on her face was comforting. Trust Pip to lighten the tension. 

"Be nice, Pip. Besides, what the frell happened?" 

"You walked under a falling crate, you stupid probakto. You have the reflexes of a feldrit, you know that?" _Anger and insults only let me know you care, Sunshine, so I won't take that personally._

"A feldrit is blind and deaf and couldn't see an attack coming a metra away, right?" He shrugged, not waiting for an answer. "How long was I gone?" 

Zhaan settled closer, "A quarter arn. What did you see?" 

Pointing up at Aeryn--he was still lying very happily against her leather clad body, _Gimme leather any day, _John joked. "and you were there and he was there. It all seemed so real." 

"He? John there's no _he_ here." Lifting him out of her lap, Aeryn moved to help him stand. "Zhaan, Chiana, help me get him to the med lab before he goes completely fahrbot." 

With Aeryn under one arm, and Chi under the other, a protesting John was led to the med lab, laughing the whole way and saying "I'm not fahrbot, I'm just insane." _I knew they wouldn't get the Wizard of Oz reference._

The End. 


End file.
